I have survived the first two weeks of school. I have over 120 kids in five classes! My smallest class has less than 15 kids.
I cannot say that I enjoyed the ride those first 10 days but it wasn't impossible. The worst part is feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing and the kids will suffer for it. I really hate that feeling. It's lessened a little bit now so I think I can talk about it without the hysteria creeping in.
The first day was hectic and kinda slapdash. The bells weren't working and my 2nd period class had to stay an extra 20 minutes. I didn't have anything planned for that so they chatted and generally ignored me, which was cool because I had nothing to teach, really. We talked and I got to know some of them. I think we were all glad when the bell rang. Third period was incredibly short and it's my smallest. They're a rowdy bunch for such a small class. The rest of the day went quickly as I got everyone seated and checked roll, etc.
I tried to establish a routine this first week and it seemed to be working except my third period just made me lose it. We were working on a paired project for parent's night, which was only a week away, and they were having little tantrums about the pairings and why they couldn't do what they wanted. I yelled at them and generally just had a fit. They behaved better for a few days but it's still touch and go some days. I think because the class is so small, it's harder to control. I wish I knew why.
Last week was easier, I felt a little more sure of myself and I think the kids are becoming a little more attune to me...at least I hope so. I'm learning more names and feeling a little more sure of personalities and potential issues that might arise. However, I'm also having to put more emphasis on my classroom rules - there's a lot of talking and cutting up taking place when I'm not specifically focused on them. I had to give an entire class weekend homework because they insisted on talking while I was trying to give a lesson. It's annoying, but I think I've proven my point and perhaps the extra homework will have the desired effect.
I feel so compelled to make English class a pleasant experience, exciting and memorable (which I admit is hard to do) for the kids. Instead I feel like I'm being this mega-bitch and constantly marching up and down lecturing them about things they could care less about. I keep reminding myself that it's only the beginning of the third week and we haven't even really started the curriculum and/or the more interesting stories and lessons for the year. I know this, but my visceral reaction is to proclaim myself the lamest teacher ever and run away to someplace easy and boring.
That's probably my real problem...I've never done anything really hard and teaching is HARD! Creating lesson plans, remembering the rules of the school and district, actually educating the children! I mean, it's so fucking draining and yet I care so much about these kids I've only just met two weeks ago. Several of them are on the verge of breaking my heart already. I can only imagine what it's going to be like to watch them grow both physically and mentally this year. And again, I really want them to love reading and writing as much as I do and to take with them the ability to do both well. I know one part of that is totally possible - the question is which part.
It's funny, on Thursday I was really trying to figure out if teaching is what I want to do; on Friday, I felt absolutely certain that's exactly what I should have been doing all these years.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
And so it did begin...
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Soon it shall begin
We finished up New Teacher Orientation on Friday morning and I felt like my brain would melt. So much information - evaluation procedures, district curriculum guidelines, TAKS info, suggestions for lesson planning - all in a week. There's something new every day. I can't say I've retained more than a vague horror that I'm going to screw up majorly and an absolute assurance that there will be people coming into my classroom to evaluate me (and find me lacking in some way). Oh, and I'm pretty sure I fell asleep at some point during class on Wednesday and Thursday. Information overload and my system shuts down.
We were at the school on Friday afternoon to meet our mentors and see our classrooms. My mentor couldn't make it, so I haven't met her yet but I did get into my room and started trying to visualize what it'll look like. I also requested desks because I had those quadrilateral tables and since I'll have between 24-27 children and there were only 16 of those tables, I just couldn't visualize two students trying to share one for writing, so they had to go!
On Saturday I bought some posters and banners to put on the walls and had to force myself to leave Teacher Heaven since I was on my way to spending almost $100 - crazy! But there was so much great stuff that I could use! Anyway, I'm gonna get my roommate to come help me arrange the classroom next Saturday if she's free - she's really great at that sort of thing; she also wants to see the room where I'll practically live for the next 10 months.
I've completed my ACP courses, gotten my probationary cert and gotten my classroom. Apparently I'm a teacher now...how frightening. Actually, what's more frightening is that I'm really excited about all this. I can't wait to get into my classroom and meet my students and start the year. I've got a ton of ideas swirling around in my head but none of them have really formed into anything really tangible.
That's all for now, I suppose. The school year's about to start and I've got a lot to get ready before next week.
